Seeing the Rainbow Through the Lens of IFS: All parts and genders are welcome here
Written by Clarissa Harwell, LCSW and IFS-TC Clinician
There’s a part of me that thinks I’m gay….Male doesn’t describe my gender, but neither does female….Why don’t I have romantic feelings for others?.....I don’t know if I’m queer and I need to figure it out, now!....I’ll lose everything dear to me if I come out as trans….I’m so excited to be trans and queer! These are just a few of the questions, concerns and feelings that clients bring to therapy. Topics including coming out, transitioning, and questioning tend to activate our parts. New clients often wonder how their queer and/or trans or questioning identity will be cared for in therapy, and for good reason. It’s not uncommon to hear from people that their former therapist was non-affirming. A single blog post about IFS and matters affecting LGBQIAA+ and Trans folx is insufficient to address the wondrous landscape of gender identity and sexual orientation, so we will revisit this topic in future posts.
In honor of Pride Month, let’s begin our look at gender identity and sexual orientation from an Internal Family Systems perspective, and answer some commonly asked questions. Richard Schwartz developed IFS after years of working with clients who spoke about their parts, i.e. “There’s a part of me who knows I’m not straight and is excited about being me, and another part of me who is afraid of what that means for me and tells me I should ignore the other part.” Though IFS did not evolve specifically to support people on their gender identity and sexual orientation journeys, the non-pathologizing and radically accepting approach provides the compassion and connection that we all need to heal.
Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation Defined
Gender Spectrum defines gender identity as “our deeply held, internal sense of self as masculine, feminine, a blend of both, neither, or something else. Identity also includes the name we use to convey our gender. Gender identity can correspond to, or differ from the sex we are assigned at birth. The language a person uses to communicate their gender identity can evolve and shift over time.” Sexual orientation is defined by Gender Spectrum as “who we are physically, emotionally and/or romantically attracted to (https://genderspectrum.org/).” Since IFS therapy is a non-pathologizing approach to healing, you will not be treated like a disorder or a problem to solve, and you can expect your identities to be met with compassion and caring. Your IFS therapist will facilitate an exploration, at your pace, and will honor the protective parts of you that may have developed around any emotional wounds. Internalized stigma, mistreatment by family and society, abuses and shame are some of the wounds that therapy can help address, so that you can more readily access the Self-loving joy that is within you.
You have likely encountered more depictions of the range of gender identities and sexual orientations in recent years — as representation increases across media so too are more folx feeling safer to live openly. We know that the more all gender identities and sexual orientations are represented — and represented in their wholeness rather than as stereotyped, stigmatized caricatures — in the world around us, the more acceptance increases. “Media representations are both positive, due to increased public understanding, and problematic, due to the often stereotypical and narrow representations available.” (Mocarksi, King, Butler, et al).
What Brings People to Therapy and How Can IFS Help?
Perhaps you have questioned your gender identity or sexual orientation, or have not yet felt safe and supported enough to explore these topics. Maybe you have a partner, family member or child who is questioning their identity, or has come out as trans or queer. Or perhaps there’s a part of you that feels quite confused about these topics. Perhaps the gender you were assigned at birth is not aligned with your identity and it is causing emotional distress. Your family and loved ones may not understand or support your identities, and you may feel ashamed if you encounter any parts of your system that have internalized transphobic or homophobic beliefs. It’s not uncommon for people to have parts of themselves that wish they weren’t LGBQIAA and/or Trans, along with parts that celebrate a queer or trans identity. This polarization frequently leads to discomfort within us. IFS therapy can help.
Our identities intersect in myriad ways, and our internal world is no different. Culture, religion, family dynamics, language, disabilities, neurodivergence, racial identity, ethnicity and even geographic area impact the ways we experience ourselves, the world around us, and the ways in which others see us. For example, in some cultures, gender has always been broader than the male-female binary, thus creating an accepting environment for the beautiful array of gender identities to flourish. In certain regions of the world, and in many religious communities, anyone who is not cisgender and straight is considered to be disordered or even criminalized. This kind of environment makes it unsafe for most to explore their identity or to live in alignment with their truth, and we may admonish and exile these parts of ourselves. We know that thin, white, straight, cisgender, able-bodied and neurotypical people face less discrimination and fewer obstacles than those who do not identify in those ways. Many of us growing up and/or living in America have been exposed to a primarily white dominant culture, in which the perspective on gender identity and sexuality is shaped by Eurocentric and patriarchal ideas. This means that the voices and work of those who are “othered” in American culture are decentered, marginalized and exiled. It is no wonder that we so often have parts of ourselves that feel unwelcome and unsafe in our system — they too have been exiled. The work of IFS therapy includes building safety within your internal system so that your exiled parts can heal, even if your outer world is slow to change.
“When we say all parts are welcome in IFS, we mean it.”
Emotional Safety in Session
When we say all parts are welcome in IFS, we mean it. But what does that really look like in a therapy session? You will not be judged, shamed or invalidated regardless of any extreme beliefs or behaviors your parts may have. When you have parts that you want to get rid of, parts you dislike or even hate, or parts that tell you that you need to be different, you are likely to experience symptoms. Anxiety, irritability, depressive symptoms, reactivity, numbness and apathy can all be felt when we have parts who are polarized with each other, or parts who work overtime in attempts to protect us from feeling alone, ashamed and suffering. By exploring these aspects of ourselves in the safety of a therapy session, we begin to increase our understanding of why these parts came to be.
Gender identity and sexual orientation can be difficult to explore for many clients, and each person experiences their identities individually and within their environment. How safe a client feels to explore these topics depends on many factors, and we frequently meet parts with conflicting beliefs. For example, a client may enter therapy wondering if they might be gay, lesbian, bisexual or pansexual, and feeling discomfort about it. They may wonder if it’s “just” a part of them that is attracted to same-gendered people; or feel distressed that they are physically aroused by same-gender content even though they identify as straight. Fortunately, the unease that arises can be understood, safely experienced, and healed. You are a wholly unique person with parts that are unique to you. Your gender identity and sexual orientation are not problems to be solved. All of you is welcome here.
Want to learn more about how IFS Telehealth Collective can help you or a loved one feel understood, safely experienced, and healed? Contact our Client Care Coordinator or call 503-447-3244 if you live in California, New York, Florida, Massachusetts, Oregon or Michigan to be matched with a trained IFS clinician.
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References:
Mocarski R, King R, Butler S, et al. The Rise of Transgender and Gender Diverse Representation in the Media: Impacts on the Population. Commun Cult Crit. 2019;12(3):416-433. doi:10.1093/ccc/tcz031
