Why can’t I just beat depression on my own?

It is helpful to note that what we call depression is very different from sadness or grief.  In IFS, we know that although feeling sadness and grief can be difficult, more often it’s  the presence of other parts inside that are fighting or trying to push down these emotions that can make the experience overwhelming.  

The parts that push away the vulnerability may take different forms. For instance, they may appear as critical parents that react to the young parts’ neediness, or as an energy that simply numbs or shuts things down. So, rather than feeling  the sadness, the critical part does its job of keeping you away from it, or numbing parts have you not feel much of anything. 

It’s not only this internal struggle between sad parts and reactions against them, but often there is also a feeling of  isolation and reluctance to reach out for help. That reinforces a stuckness that’s hard to work through on your own. 

The strong cultural legacies of individualism and patriarchy in the United States reinforce a hyper-independence.  Like many in our culture, you may have received messages growing up that you should be strong all the time - an impossible goal for anybody, and one that comes at great cost.  By trying to exile or deny those parts of you deemed unacceptable by others (and all the hurt and sadness that they carry), you find that they never actually go away. A feeling of incompleteness persists. 

With IFS, your therapist will help you connect with the sad or vulnerable parts of you in ways that can be healing and not overwhelming. They’ll help you show up for yourself in a new way, recovering parts of you that were buried and releasing the painful burdens they carry. Ultimately, these tender parts of you can feel loved, valued and cared for as the sadness and grief resolves.