Taking the IFS Journey: A path that brings you home to your Self
Oftentimes, we think of therapy as a place to talk, analyze and solve problems. Internal Family SystemsSM therapy is uniquely different. In IFS, the therapist doesn’t take the stance of the all-knowing expert. Instead, the client is genuinely trusted to possess their own answers and encouraged to find them by listening within. IFS therapy is more than just a modality, though, it’s an intimate homecoming. With the therapist as faithful guide, IFS offers a deeply personal journey where we experience our complexity with a beginner’s mind and a warm heart — an approach that befriends the crustiest of protectors and the tenderest of wounds. It is a practice that allows us to be both the witness and the sage. It is a place where we unveil our innermost precious truth to ourselves — that we are so much more than the sum of our parts.
And even so, returning to our best Self — to the person we always have been down deep — can come with questions and doubt.
If you have some hesitation about starting therapy or questions about the therapeutic process, you are not alone. Prioritizing your mental health is a worthy commitment that may feel overwhelming, and choosing to do IFS therapy online may bring up conflicting emotions. Some parts of you may feel eager and excited that IFS therapy can come to you right where you are. Perhaps you’re feeling a sense of hope that you, your life and your relationships can finally improve. At the same time, other parts of you might feel nervous and unsure about the healing process. You may wonder if focusing inside will “stir the pot” too much, leaving you overwhelmed emotionally. There could be concern that something unexpected or hidden may reveal itself, or that therapy will confirm negative beliefs you have about yourself. These varied reactions are common and expected, and IFS has an effective way of honoring and addressing these concerns with confidence that the journey to know your Self deeply is safe and well worth it. Frequently people report feeling very settled, grounded, more at ease with themselves after an IFS session, even if it stirred up a lot. The IFS saying that “all parts are welcome” is more than a catchphrase — it’s at the heart of the IFS Telehealth Collective. You and all that you carry within will be fully embraced here.
There are many right ways to begin this journey and, like all therapies, we start by hearing your story, which includes gathering information about your background and the circumstances that bring you to therapy. What’s different is that an IFS therapist listens for the various parts of you that show up in your presenting concerns and will offer some different ways to help these parts become less extreme and more effective.
No two people are exactly the same, of course, and different parts of the personality may initially present as an idea, sensation, emotion, behavior or all of the above. For some it’s easier to get to know their parts through physical sensations and emotions first, while others may want to start with thoughts and ideas. Some parts like to take on a name —The Taskmaster, The Rebel, Little Anibal, Ace, the Artist — or no name at all. IFS therapy can be profound and also playful, embracing the present moment. As a holistic approach that integrates body, mind, spirit and culture, IFS has a way of holding and bearing witness to all the ways our parts and our most authentic Self are expressed. IFS invites us to understand the totality of our being.
As powerful a process as it can be, IFS therapists don't push the process. They trust it. With various interventions, IFS therapists are taught to develop their “parts detector” by listening very well with a warm heart and open mind — and showing the client how to do the same. In this collaboration, the therapist is the guide who deftly helps distinguish the parts of you caught in your struggles from the authentically wise Self at your core. At first you may discover the most prominent sides of you that run your day to day life, inside and out. With the protectors’ permission, your therapist will help you access the parts they protect or struggle with — parts that were previously hidden, maligned or abandoned. Rest assured, the pace will “go at the speed of trust” — trust in the IFS process, in your therapist and, most importantly, trust within yourself.
Along the way, the path to healing may take more twists and turns than at first seemed apparent. It’s not unusual to discover how various parts of you may have developed around significant life events, many long forgotten or dismissed. IFS invites you to honor and celebrate the adaptive nature of your multiplicity, or different parts of your personality. You see from your own story how environmental factors such as trauma, attachment wounds or systemic oppression forced some parts of you into extreme roles, where they became more dominant or went into hiding. For example, the part that seeks acceptance and validation through perfectionism may feel very present in someone’s life, whereas the part of them that fears abandonment might be sequestered deep inside.
As unlikely as it may seem at the outset, it soon becomes evident that every part wants something positive for you. Protective sides possess attributes but have been working tirelessly to overcome adversity and ensure your survival — even though those efforts aren’t as effective or as needed as they may have once been. Parts covered up in shame and messages of worthlessness are often deeply misunderstood and simply longing for acceptance and belonging.
“Parts aren’t the problem, it’s the burdens and polarizations that are the problem, especially when they’re unconscious. IFS clears up all sorts of misunderstandings people have about themselves, transforming the lies that got taken in as truths.”
Over time, IFS provides a way to recognize relationships between different parts — the internal conflicts and collaborations — with more nuanced understanding. The part that seeks independence and the part that yearns for closeness, for example, can shift from a polarized state of tension and anxiety to one of alliance and harmony. Transformation is possible when parts are seen and valued for their true intentions, released from their burdened state and trusting your Self energy to be more in the lead.
As you hear your parts’ stories and uncover their unique gifts, you’ll come to understand behaviors and beliefs are manifestations of perseverance and resilience instead of character flaws. Your misunderstood complexity will transform into a brilliant mosaic of survivorship.
This transition — from vilifying to understanding parts — is the kind of Self compassion that is truly healing. Compassion, understanding, attunement and care are the kinds of attention parts need to transform from burdened to unburdened. When parts no longer carry the heavy weight of negative beliefs, emotions, sensations or traumatic energy, they can contribute their innate gifts instead. Some may protect more effectively or less often, others will simply advise or have no job at all. The IFS process reliably shows that Self energy is an effective healing resource that releases parts from the burdens that constrain them so they can reclaim more effective roles and gifts.
At the outset of therapy, many people feel like their own worst enemy — sabotaging their own goals or feeling stuck and self-critical. So often in IFS people discover they are far from a lost cause — they are worth all the effort it takes to heal. As trust builds and the IFS therapy deepens, the most encouraging, unexpected discovery is one that is hard to forget: you are your own healing resource. Self energy is a calm, clear and compassionate innate resource that soothes, nurtures, leads and brings parts back to balance, harmony and connection. It is embodied and yet boundaryless, often leading to a sense of connectedness to others, to nature, to all of life. It is the source of innate wisdom and truth-seeking. It is your authentic frequency and ultimate gift as YOU. Being Self-led is an act of arriving home.
That said, being Self-led is not a passive stance. When we feel more whole and feel less burdened and constrained, we’re able to show up confidently and courageously in the world. We tend to value others as much as we value ourselves, bringing curiosity to conflicts along with a sense of advocacy for marginalized parts and people.
Getting a sense of how to connect with your own parts is a practice you can take with you, and your IFS therapist will encourage you to do so. IFS Telehealth Collective clients have access to exclusive meditations and handouts to help them stay connected to their inner world between sessions.
“We’re all just walking each other home” — Ram Dass
Are you ready to return home to your true Self? Are you yearning to feel whole again? The IFS Telehealth Collective is here to support you in your voyage back to you. Our IFS trained clinicians will be your guide and you will be the compass.
If you live in California, New York, Florida, Massachusetts, Oregon or Michigan and want to be matched with a clinician, please contact our Client Care Coordinator or call 503-447-3244.
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