Uniting the Team: Resolving Internal Battles with IFS
By Alicia Dabney, AMFT, APCC, ATR, and Clinician at the IFS Telehealth Collective*
Most of us have noticed times when we hold conflicting thoughts, emotions, desires, or impulses around a common element in our lives. Have you ever felt certain that you were ready to make some change in your life, while other parts of you kept distracting and procrastinating anytime you started to take action? Remember the growing frustration and confusion inside that kept you going nowhere?
Depending on the situation, these internal battles may range from simple indecisiveness about what to wear or what to order for dinner, or you could find yourself with a full-on internal battle royale that leaves you feeling stuck and unable to navigate any path forward.
So, what exactly is happening inside? Internal Family Systems℠(IFS), developed by Richard Schwartz PhD, refers to this kind of dynamic as polarization. Let’s take a brief look at some foundational concepts of IFS before we dive into these internal entanglements.
The Brilliant Strategies of Parts
IFS views the mind’s natural state to be subdivided into parts, which show up at first as thoughts, images, emotions, sensations, or impulses. Ultimately, our parts are more like subpersonalities, with points of view, nuanced agendas, fears and, at their core, positive attributes. As natural and useful as this is, life experiences can force our parts out of their balanced, resourceful states and into extreme and protective roles in order to guard the more vulnerable parts of us.
Different protector parts use different strategies: managers will seek to pre-empt emotional pain by keeping things in control, while firefighters will react to emotional pain that has been triggered by trying to numb, distract, or douse the feelings. What do these two types of protectors have in common? They both do what they can to protect the most vulnerable, wounded, exiled parts of us that have taken on burdens and beliefs as a result of these painful experiences.
Your Wise Inner Guide
A remarkable aspect of IFS is the belief that all individuals have an innate, wise Self that carries qualities such as calm, clarity, compassion, curiosity, connection, courage, creativity, and confidence. This Self can emerge to lead the system and offer internal wisdom, guidance, and an inherent ability to heal from within. The goal of IFS therapy is not to eliminate parts, but to release them from extreme roles and restore harmony and balance to the internal system.
From Harmony to Cacophony
Imagine a tug-of-war where everyone has dug their heels in to hold their ground. Each side fears the other side will take over or gain more power, and neither side will release its hold unless the other side does. At times polarizations can escalate into a brawl with a charge of energy felt inside whenever those parts clash. Other times, these dynamics are subtle enough that you might not be aware of what is happening:
Procrastination.
Feeling stuck or at an impasse.
Finding yourself acting in conflicting ways.
Self-sabotaging best efforts toward a goal or outcome.
Difficulty making decisions.
All of these—and more—can indicate the presence of an internal polarization among parts that are at odds with each other in your internal system. More than just different or complementary parts, those that are polarized have a charged relationship— characterized by conflicting energies and impulses noticed both physically and mentally. Each side typically believes the other is wrong and will remain at odds with the other. Increased symptoms such as anxiety or depression, or magnified conflict with others, can at times be the product of an escalating polarization.
These internal power struggles are most easily noticed between managers and firefighters, but they can be found between all kinds of parts - sometimes between whole groups of parts as they vie for control. Frequently polarized protectors guard the same exile, albeit with different strategies to do so. Sometimes they are each protecting a different wound within. And it’s possible that the very gridlock itself can serve to distract from the pain of the exile beneath.
How might these sorts of protector polarizations unfold? This short film by Nathan Ginter provides an example, with creative insight into parts dynamics between procrastination and persistence.
Animated Short Film: Procrastination vs. Persistence by Nathan Ginter
The IFS Approach to Internal Battles
One basic assumption in IFS is that parts develop a complex system of interactions among themselves. There can be a ripple effect when one part shifts or changes its role in the system. Imagine a boat at sea with Self at the helm. If any part moves or changes it makes everyone else on the boat unsteady. Taking this further, polarizations can develop when different parts try to gain influence within the system and other parts respond.
Protectors in polarization often share a common goal, intention, or concern. No matter the dynamic at play, the key is to bring these parts together into awareness, communication, and greater harmony with each other. No matter how entrenched the internal conflict is, in IFS we can trust that Self is always there beneath the polarization.
Sometimes, each side vying for control has no awareness of Self or the other part or feels that part is misguided. Think of siblings or a couple in conflict; both need understanding. Self plays an essential role of a wise, intuitive mediator. With Self in the lead, it is possible to bring curiosity and openness to both sides, reassure them that neither side will be abandoned or ignored, and acknowledge the fears that each holds. Through this process of developing a connection, the positive intention of each part is revealed.
Re-Harmonizing the System
Like all systems, our internal world naturally seeks homeostasis and balance. When Self deeply accepts both sides and resolves the polarization, typically by healing whatever drove them to be so divided, the previously warring parties can begin to collaborate and work together for the greater good of the whole person.
IFS therapy helps us feel more harmonious and whole by including all parts and releasing the burdens that constrain them through the healing resource of our innate Self-energy. Through this process important qualities are revealed and released, with parts offering gifts and capacities like spontaneity, enjoyment, achievement, or relaxation.
Becoming Aware of Inner Family Relationships
Call to mind a part of you that is often present in your life. Examples might be hard-working, perfectionist, or caretaker parts; critical or reactive parts; competitive parts; worried parts. Pause and take a moment with that part. Consider how you relate to the part you selected.
How do you feel toward it?
What happens inside when you experience this part?
Do you notice any openness, warmth, or appreciation for this part?
If your response feels at odds with the part you called to mind, chances are you have polarization. This might show up as a counter-response or energy, irritation, frustration, judgmental or critical thoughts, or even a more vulnerable emotion.
Steps to Externalize a Polarization
Externalizing provides alternate ways of connecting to, exploring, and accessing your parts and Self. The process is valued over the product and no art training or skill is necessary to benefit from this. This approach is adaptable, flexible, and a wide range of art media can be utilized to suit your parts’ preferences. An art-based externalization exercise for polarizations is provided here. Try it!
Goals:
To increase awareness of your internal system.
To gain a snapshot of which parts are polarized.
Tools:
Paper, markers, or other dry art media of choice.
Instructions:
Divide the paper in half with a fold or line.
Using lines, shapes, colors, symbols, or objects depict two sides of polarization that you currently (or commonly) experience.
Do you want help resolving your internal battles and polarizations? A therapist at IFS Telehealth Collective can help you find and connect with those parts that need to be seen, heard, and ultimately healed by you. If you live in California, Florida, Massachusetts, Michigan, New York, or Oregon, please contact our Client Care Coordinator or call 503-447-3244.
Join our Interest List if your state is not listed and we’ll notify you as soon as we begin seeing clients in your area. In the meantime, subscribe to our newsletter and receive a free copy of The Unburdened Internal System Mandala. Don't forget to follow us on social media: Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn.
*Alicia Larsen Dabney is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist #119864, Associate Professional Clinical Counselor #8016, Level 3 Trained IFS Certified Practitioner #0877, and Registered Art Therapist #20-261. Supervised by Andrew Pflueger LMFT #86223.
