From Reacting to Responding: Self-led Parenting with IFS
By Clarissa Harwell, LCSW and Clinician at the IFS Telehealth Collective
Do you have the privilege of being a parent? When was the last time you had a negative thought about your child? If you’re blessed like I am, it wasn’t all that long ago. This is a judgment-free zone so go ahead and acknowledge any recent times you’ve let those not-so-kind thoughts fly.
Maybe it went something like this: Kid leaves a mess - seemingly without a care in the world - and you find yourself cleaning up. Or, reminding your precious offspring a zillion times to do it and becoming frustrated when they don’t, leaving you resentful and doing it yourself. Did you hear a voice inside say, “Am I the only one who does anything around here?” or “This kid gets away with so much, they have it so much easier than I did?” Perhaps it was more of a niggling irritation every time you passed by the mess or even fury as you told yourself they must not care about anyone but themselves. Or, did you internally throw up your hands with a silent but disgusted “Whatever!” leaving you feeling awful about yourself and your beloved “Mini-Me”?
Maybe you felt righteous in your anger or guilty for thinking less-than-loving thoughts about your child. If you’re the parent or caregiver to a child or teen, you’re in the right place. That is, reading this blog. *I’ll use the word parent in this post to include anyone who acts as a parent figure, whether by biological connection, adoption, kinship, profession, or chosen family.
Have you ever wondered why your kids seem so particularly adept at getting under your skin? Or why do you react so strongly when your own kid does something, but it doesn’t bother you if someone else’s kid does the same exact thing? The answer lies in the ways our parts interact with each other, our Self and in the burdens we carry. By helping the unconscious burdens we carry become known, we can respond rather than react to whoever is pushing those buttons. Our children can ignite in us unimaginable depths of love and joy, yet somehow also activate our most reactive parts.
Why This Happens and What to Do
Power struggles are fun for exactly nobody and frequently lead to feelings of disconnect between a parent and a child. What if, by getting to know more about what drives different parts of you to become extreme, you could reduce or even eliminate those power struggles and feel less resentful, irritated, exhausted, and frustrated? There’s no perfect parent, and there’s no magic bullet, but it is possible to parent from a place of confidence and calm, to be guided by curiosity and compassion, and to feel connected with your child. Or at least to be able to do that more often. The answer lies in your innate Self-energy.
From Reacting to Responding: Going Inside
In Internal Family SystemsSM (IFS) therapy, we are attentive to our reactions because when we have a strong reaction to something or someone, it’s a hint that a part (or more than one part) is at work. In IFS, there’s something called the “U-turn,” which is what we are doing when we turn our attention inwards. By “going inside” in this way, we focus on what we notice happening internally - any sensations, thoughts, and feelings that arise. People often wonder how they can tell if they are Self-led or if something else is in the driver’s seat. I offer you this little trick: Pause. Make sure to pause. Then, check inside to see if there’s a strong agenda - an intense need for a situation to go a certain way or for someone to behave or respond in a particular manner. Next, notice if there’s any disagreement within you about that agenda. If the answer is yes, it’s a good indication that your best Self is not in the lead here, which means your parts’ agendas are instead. That doesn't necessarily mean disaster, because your Self can be informed by parts. But too often, a strong agenda from you can lead to a “parts war” with your kiddo who’s prone to react in kind.
Consider your internal system to work like an orchestra, where your most intuitive and wise Self is the conductor, and your parts play the instruments. Self needs the parts to create the music, and the parts need Self to lead them. Of course, not all orchestras play well together, and sometimes the conductor is ignored as the musicians fight for a solo and throw a coup. By “going inside” and listening to the cacophony, you’ll be taking steps towards clarity about what’s really happening and how to restore harmony inside and out.
There are ways to work with this in the moment and more ways to dig deeper in therapy sessions. If you’ve noticed yourself feeling reactive in some way when interacting with your child, you’re off to a wonderful start. Noticing what is happening is the first step. Parts do their best to help, but because they carry the burdens of emotional wounds, their responses can sometimes do more harm than help. In therapy, we come to understand what painful stories and experiences they are protecting and then release this pain in a process called unburdening. The more we can understand and appreciate their efforts, the more we can access Selfenergy, so we respond to situations with our children rather than react.
Take a moment now to recall the last time something occurred between you and your child that left you feeling frustrated, sad, hopeless, or worried. As you call to mind this interaction, notice if there are any physical sensations that arise within you or any other ways you experience this recollection. If you feel something physically, try putting your hand on that spot and breathe into your hand. Breathe out. Notice any thoughts or feelings that pop up as you do this, and gently ask them to give you some room to discover more about the memory. Is there any part that is worried or uncomfortable with you focusing on this memory? Acknowledge that and again gently ask that part to allow a gentle curiosity.
Returning to the memory, you called to mind, what are you noticing about it? If you gave this feeling a megaphone, what would it say? How do you feel when you hear or feel what this part wants you to know? Are you curious about what else you might learn from it? Let it know that you’d like to get to know it better and notice if it responds or shifts in any way. We frequently find that places inside feel relieved and receptive when we turn our attention towards them. Does it trust you're listening to it, or does it feel disconnected or alone? Too often, these parts of us are used to being silenced or judged, so this kind of listening may feel strange and deeply desired.
Once it begins to trust that you're truly interested and can feel your presence, you can begin to find out much more. It may be useful to show this part who you are now - your current age, what you look like, what your life is like - let it take in this updated information. Often our parts think we’re still children or much younger than we actually are; parts stuck in the past are frequently unaware that we have more resources available today to handle life’s difficulties. This kind of “inner world updating” is commonly met with relief and surprise.
Parenting Ourselves
In a process parallel to the attention we bestow on our children, we turn towards our internal family. With whatever aspect you have called to mind, invite it to tell you or show you its role. Questions we ask as we build relationships with our parts include “What do you do for me?” Why did you take on this job?” and “How do others (people or other parts) respond to you?” These inquiries provide the information we need to truly understand what the intentions of our parts are. Once we allow ourselves to assimilate this knowledge, we may be able to express appreciation for them, even if the way they’ve gone about things isn’t ideal. For example, we may dislike that we have parts that get agitated when our kids leave messes around the home, but when we know more about their purpose, it makes sense. We can see that each and every piece of us is working hard.
IFS therapy can help examine these types of frustrating parenting situations. As you turn inwards and build a more caring relationship with yourself, it becomes clear over time what the purpose of each part is. You will find that there are emotional wounds within you, in all of us, that are guarded by these managers and firefighters. At the root of our reactivity are these burdens, and our parts protect the wounds. Peaceful parenting is not just wishful thinking; it is possible for all of us. By going inside and healing our emotional wounds, more of our centered and responsive Self-energy is available.
If you are ready to become less reactive towards your children and want to find calm and clarity in your relationships, contact our Client Care Coordinator. You can also call 503-447-3244 if you live in California, New York, Florida, Massachusetts, Oregon, or Michigan and want to be matched with a trained IFS clinician.
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