Inner Critic All-Stars: How IFS Therapy Turns Agitators into Allies

By Clarissa Harwell, LCSW and Clinician at the IFS Telehealth Collective

Most of us are familiar with criticism. Whether it comes from a partner, a friend, a colleague, or an online troll, it can hurt, incite anger and defensiveness, and make us doubt ourselves. Criticism can cause ruptures in our relationships. But what about when the criticism comes from within, when we feel like we’re our own worst enemy?

This is the work of an Inner Critic. Inner Critics, or criticism about ourselves that comes from within, show up in anxiety and depression symptoms, perfectionism, carelessness, and myriad other conditions. Many types of therapy address the voices of criticism that we all have, but Internal Family Systems℠ (IFS) does it a bit differently. Rather than view it as pathological and attempt to push it away, the IFS approach starts with curiosity.

Developed by Dick Schwartz, Ph.D., IFS doesn’t aim to extinguish this inner voice, to fight against its power; instead, in IFS therapy, we learn to befriend this sometimes loud and seemingly tyrannical part of ourselves. If that sounds far-fetched, ridiculous, or impossible, you are not alone. We live in a culture that purports fighting against, getting rid of, or battling any number of issues. And when that doesn’t work in the long-term, we blame ourselves for not being strong enough to take down these characteristics that are seen as problematic. And the cycle of criticism continues.

Working with, rather than against, an Inner Critic brings to mind this saying “Children who need love the most ask for it in the most unloving of ways.” This is to say that sometimes parts of us that feel painful or mean are in need of our attention. They don’t go about it in the ways we’d like - nobody likes to be told they are a failure, or that they will make a fool of themselves in front of people, or to question whether they are a good person - but these critical voices need to be understood and appreciated as a first step to helping them transform. If this sounds incredulous, that’s okay! IFS is an intuitive and effective process for building a better and more harmonious relationship with critical parts.

Inner Critic All-Stars

Inner Critics can have different intentions, and they don’t all go about things the same way. For example, you may have been told you’re a perfectionist and find yourself striving to have everything just right, fearing mistakes or having something go wrong. This kind of Critic can serve up impending doom, believing that bad things will happen if you don’t achieve perfection. Perfection, of course, is unattainable, but that doesn’t stop this Critic from seeking it.

Another type of Critic that may be within you is the Risk Averse Critic. This can sound like a subtle whisper of warning or a blasting blow horn of put-downs that aims to prevent you from doing or saying something that will leave you vulnerable, hurt, or criticized.

Many of us are familiar with the critic that admonishes us for wrongdoing. Did you unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings, lose your patience, break something, or make some other mistake and then feel or hear the encroaching Critic tell you what a jerk you are, or how careless, stupid, incompetent, etc you are? That’s an Inner Critic.

Sometimes we purposely or inadvertently ignore the concerns of what our Critics need us to know, prompting these protectors to ramp up their efforts even more so. It makes sense to want to shush these criticisms and get rid of them - after all, none of us enjoy being criticized - but to heal, we must hear from them.

In IFS, when we listen, sense, or otherwise allow space for our parts to communicate with us, we don’t mean that you should simply listen and follow whatever they say. Rather, turning towards these agitators, learning about their intentions for you, their efforts, concerns, and beliefs, will allow you to appreciate them. Who among us doesn’t like to feel appreciated and valued? Our internal family is no different.

Comparison may be the thief of joy, but that doesn’t stop our hard-working Critics from comparing us to others. Whether it’s intelligence, appearance, status, or something else, this type of Critic finds us falling short. It might be at play when you feel envious of someone or when someone achieves something you want for yourself.

It’s possible you’re familiar with one or more in this lineup, and attempts to get them “under control” haven’t worked or been sustainable. We try to talk ourselves out of feeling criticized, engaging the help of parts who rationalize. This might sound like “You’re not a failure; You can do hard things; Other people aren’t judging you” or something similar. Or you might find yourself feeling angry at your Critic and strive to prove it wrong. It’s common to experience opposing thoughts, such as “If you don’t try this, you’re a coward” followed by “If you do it, you’re going to make a fool of yourself.” In IFS, we call these polarizations. You’re probably catching on to the fact that polarizations between different parts contribute to our feelings of stress, anxiety, and unease. The parts themselves are not problems.

Noticing Your Critic

Before we can understand and even appreciate the role of an Inner Critic, we begin by noticing it. If you’re drawing a blank, try this: Recall the last time you felt embarrassed or humiliated. What did you tell yourself about that situation? When does your Critic pop up in your life? Is it more of a whisper or a shouting in your ear? Does it feel like it runs your life? Does it look or sound any particular way, and does it say the same thing or have a plethora of critiques and warnings? How do you tend to respond to it? Brene Brown describes our responses and attempts to avoid critic-induced shame as “shame shields” and defines shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. In IFS terms, anytime those feelings of being unworthy or unlovable are activated, our parts tend to intervene.

Some common reactions to our Critic are attempting to ignore or override it, talking back from another place inside you that is gentler, or by giving up. For some, it’s an internal nagging, while others will experience it as sarcastic or demanding. Others might find they feel belittled or ridiculed by their Critic. At times it can feel like it’s piling on the criticism, and other helpers will show up to distract you, try to cheer you up, or numb you.

Next, I’ll ask you to think about what you feel like doing after you have a run-in with this part of you. Do you feel like zoning out, drinking, picking a fight, micromanaging, or lashing out? Perhaps you feel motivated to achieve more or try harder. It’s not uncommon for people to fear that if they befriend their critical parts, they will lose their drive and motivation to do better and be better. What was it like to notice how the critic triggers other parts to help you cope with it?"

You may be attuned to any impulse to move away from criticism, towards distraction or comfort. There are no wrong answers to how you respond to these parts, only information. When we tune into this information from our internal system, we can begin to assist our parts from a place of understanding and appreciation.

Have you met any of your Critics? Our Inner Critics are often a reason why people turn to therapy and the IFS Telehealth Collective is here to help. Get matched with one of our IFS trained therapists and learn how you can turn your agitators into your allies.  If you live in California, Florida, Massachusetts, Michigan, New York, or Oregon, please contact our Client Care Coordinator or call 503-447-3244.

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