Take A Look Inside an IFS Therapy Session

Dec 28

Written by Clarissa Harwell, LCSW and Mariel Pastor, LMFT

Woman taking notes during her online IFS therapy session through IFS Telehealth Collective.

Like many types of therapy, Internal Family Systems SM (IFS), created by Richard Schwartz, Ph.D., is most helpful when you feel comfortable with your therapist. This comfort and emotional safety are what we call the therapeutic alliance, and it describes how you and your therapist interact and create change together. While this working relationship sets the foundation for nearly every kind of therapy, those who are new to therapy may not know what to expect when they start therapy and have questions specifically about IFS therapy. This post accompanies the video entitled What to Expect in IFS Therapy by our very own Paul Ginter, Ph.D. I will introduce you to what happens in the early stages of IFS therapy so that any parts of you that are nervous or apprehensive may feel more at ease when they know what to expect.

What Brings You to Therapy?

Broadly speaking, therapy is a place and space where people can learn more about themselves, their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. In online therapy, people can address any areas they perceive as problematic and can discover new ways to be in a relationship with themselves and others. Some embark on their therapy journey with specific challenges they want to address, such as communicating with their partner or managing work stress, while others are more interested in understanding what makes them tick or healing from painful childhood experiences. Your therapist will inquire about your reasons for seeking support, and it’s important to know that there are no right or wrong answers. You can share with your therapist what changes you hope to see in yourself and your life.

You Set the Pace

This discussion about what you hope to address in therapy can happen in the first session or might unfold over the first few sessions. You and your needs set the pace. We often have parts that are hopeful and optimistic, bringing us to therapy, and can be surprised to find that there are other parts of you that don’t want to be there or don’t think you should share certain things. You may want to dive right into the heart of the matter, share your most vulnerable moments or feel a sense of urgency to hurry up and feel better. On the other hand, you may be wary of your therapist, skeptical about IFS therapy or therapy in general, and have a difficult time trusting someone enough to share your more vulnerable thoughts and feelings. All of these impulses and hesitations make sense, and most folks tend to have parts of them that are in a hurry to heal and other parts that are hesitant and cautious. Once your therapist has an understanding of what you are struggling with and what changes you are hoping for, you will have a clearer focus on which to begin. It’s around this time that we begin to see where IFS diverges from other types of therapy.

Woman sitting at kitchen table, participating in session with her online IFS Therapist.

Doesn’t My IFS Therapist Want to Hear Me Explain?

As Paul talks about in his video, in IFS therapy, there is less focus on talking about and analyzing what happened and more emphasis placed on the connection between you and the parts of you that experienced it. Why is this our focus? Many people have tendencies to rationalize, analyze and narrate their experiences - all of which can be helpful, to a point. However, by hearing primarily from our rationalizing, analyzing, and narrating parts, we miss the opportunity to notice what is happening inside our bodies, which is a trailhead, or starting point, for understanding what our parts need. Your experiences absolutely do matter, and your therapist will gently guide you to relate to your experience by listening to and witnessing the beliefs, hopes, and burdens that developed as a result of things that have happened. Mariel Pastor, LMFT puts it this way: “Talking about our problems is better than never being able to speak or vent about them, and doing so may produce some change, but typically it’s not enough. Your therapist can serve as a healing listener while also offering tools to help access the best listener and healer which resides within you. This is where lasting changes begin.”

Why Did My Therapist Ask Me That?

At some point in your therapy sessions, your therapist will ask you to imagine or remember a situation that is bothering you. For example, let’s say you feel quite anxious when you experience conflict with your partner, and you want to learn new ways to manage your anxiety. By eliciting this situation in your mind, you’ll find you may begin feeling those symptoms of anxiety, even though the conflict is not actually occurring. You may feel hot, have a racing heart, feel faint, or have an urge to escape - all of these and more are common experiences of anxiety. It’s possible there will be words associated with your internal experience, and your therapist will ask about that. Another common process that arises at this point in the process is that you may notice memories entering your thoughts. For many people, one event evokes similar feelings from past events. You may begin to understand why a more current conflict brings up so much unpleasantness or fear for you. Around this time, it’s commonplace for other parts of your internal family system to make themselves known. This could be an impulse to change the subject in an effort to shift away from the discomforting feelings and thoughts, or it might be another inner voice that criticizes you for feeling anxious; admonishes you for not standing up for yourself or for speaking up in therapy. That impulse, or inner voice, is trying to be helpful, but we know that it can inhibit the healing process for the anxious part of you. Helping and healing brings us to the next step.

Woman embracing holistic healing of the Self after her session with an IFS Telehealth Collective clinician.

Healing with Thy Self

A tenet of Internal Family Systems is the idea of Self or Self-energy. Self is the place inside each and every one of us that is inherently compassionate, curious, and calm. Many religions, spiritual practices, and belief systems refer to it differently, but the core notion is similar. This Self within you is able to respond to the anxious parts within you without judgment or urgency. Just as you have a Self, so to does your therapist. At times, it will feel difficult or even impossible to access this place within you. Rest assured that your IFS therapist will lend their Self-energy to your system. This is an important aspect of the therapeutic alliance mentioned earlier. It is this unwavering quality within you that has the capacity to heal those parts of you that get so anxious in the face of conflict and to witness and heal the burdens carried inside.

You’ll soon discover that your IFS therapist won’t simply listen and then advise you. While that can be helpful at times, we have found that true healing comes from within you. This is why we begin by working with any parts of you that are critical of your anxiety or trying their best to prevent you from feeling anxious. These protective parts that have learned, somewhere along the way, that conflict is scary and should be avoided. As a result of your earlier experiences with conflict, your parts may have taken on roles of avoiding, diffusing, denying, or shutting down when conflict shows up in your life. Those responses make sense when we think of them as protective. However, as you’ve likely discovered in your adult life, avoiding conflict at all costs can cause difficulties in your relationships. In your therapy sessions, there will be a focus on getting to know the parts of you that have taken on beliefs about conflict, such as “Standing up for myself during a conflict will mean I end up alone” or “People won’t like me if I share my opinion.” Talking about the conflict may be useful, but learning about your parts that get activated by conflict, and discovering what they need for healing, will bring relief on a deeper level. IFS therapy is not just talk therapy - it’s listening, witnessing, and unburdening therapy. Whether you enter therapy with the desire to rid yourself of unwanted qualities or with an already-developed relationship with your internal family, your therapist will help you listen to your parts and be with them in new ways. By going inside, you will discover that what you need to heal is already within you.