Tormentors or Just Mentors? How IFS Therapy can Help you Discover The Gift that Keeps on Giving
Written by Alicia Dabney, AMFT, APCC, ATR-P, and Clinician at the IFS Telehealth Collective*
Holidays at their heart are rituals. They are embedded with gestures and traditions that bring past and present together to mingle around us at seasonal gatherings and events. The sensory aspects of the holidays—sights, sounds, tastes, smells, and sensations—can further amplify the experience of this time of year. While the rituals and traditions of the holidays can foster connection or elicit fond memories, this time of year can also be very challenging to navigate.
There are several ways the holidays might activate certain parts of us. People want to feel connected during this time of year and holidays often bring people and families together—even those we may not necessarily get along with. Differing values, expectations, lifestyles, and even generational divides can exacerbate strain among family members. We may be carrying hopes, expectations, and external messaging about what the holidays are supposed to be. This can add further pressure and tension to get everything right, regardless of how we might be feeling inside. This might include some parts of you feeling:
Everything has to be perfect.
I am supposed to feel joyous and happy.
This is supposed to look and feel just like those holiday movies.
Family comes first, no matter what.
There’s no place like home for the holidays.
Holidays and Trauma
The holidays can also serve as painful reminders of past trauma or the loss of a loved one who might have been there. During this time of year, many people become acutely aware of absence and what they do not have. An inner sense of loneliness, shame, emptiness, or disconnection can mingle with financial stressors, difficult interactions with family, an increased presence of alcohol, and sensory triggers. Messages to be happy and celebrate may be invalidating to those parts of us that feel sad, lonely, or disconnected. We may push away and exile those tender parts of us, or else protector parts may rise up bigger to avoid those feelings and prevent further pain.
Past and present are also intertwined due to the sensory aspects of the holidays. The senses are said to be doorways to the past. Proustian memory is named for Marcel Proust, who once wrote about how the experience of eating a madeleine transported him back in time to childhood. This term is often used to describe the sudden, involuntary evocation of a memory through sight, sound, taste, and smell. Similarly, anniversary reactions are also common around this time of year. Any aspect of the holidays can potentially elicit distressing memories of trauma and loss or reminders of painful environments and interactions with others.
What is a Tor-mentor?
For many of us, there will be other people or circumstances around the holidays that will pose challenges and knock us off-center or destabilize us in some way. But, no matter the issue, there are ways this can be turned into an opportunity for Self-compassion and healing with the presence of Self. In his essay “The Larger Self,” Dr. Richard Schwartz, Ph.D., writes of difficult individuals, “They’re my tormentors—by tormenting they mentor me because they trigger key wounds and defenses that I need to heal. Also, they present ample opportunities for me to see what happens when I don’t take the bait and, instead, remain Self-led.”
The Internal Family Systems (IFS) model uses the term tor-mentor, with a hyphen added, to describe individuals who torment us but also teach us about what is needed to heal. Tor-mentors can be among our most valuable teachers, for they make us aware of what needs our loving attention.
The holidays may bring us together with these very tor-mentors who trigger us in some way, whether family or others with whom we have a difficult history. In the IFS model, it is said that parts react to others’ parts. For instance, someone who has a hyper-critical part making constant judgments about others may elicit a part of you that either wants to defend from their judgments or to fight back by matching their level of criticisms. It’s also possible that more vulnerable parts of you may begin to feel insecure and self-conscious around this tor-mentor, or may be hurt directly by this person’s comments.
It can be common to direct our energy and attention out toward our tor-mentors or to withdraw without taking the time to get curious about what is happening for us. However, it is in these moments that, instead of fighting or fleeing, we have the opportunity to pause and then make a U-turn inside toward what is hurting to ask:
Where is this landing in me?
What might this person be inviting me to notice?
What can I learn about myself through this?
What parts need my attention, presence, and loving compassion?
Just as individuals can be tor-mentors, so can wider circumstances (such as the holidays) tor-ment us—whether from stressors, anxiety, loneliness, or reminders of past trauma and loss. This time of the year, in general, can be a tor-mentor, or it may be specific gatherings or traditions. Whether it is with specific individuals or the broader experience of the holidays, whatever arises will carry valuable information. This becomes your opportunity to go inward toward parts of you that have been stuck in protective roles. You may also discover wounded child-like parts of you that are stuck in places in the past. The invitation here is to open up space so you can listen to these parts with the compassion and presence of Self.
Regaining Access to Self When Triggered
During the holidays, we may find ourselves immersed in a whirlwind of activity with little space to notice what else might be happening for us beneath the surface. However, there are several ways you can create more space and regain access to Self once triggered:
Pause. That’s it. Just pause, and take a breath.
Make a U-turn to bring your presence and attention back toward your internal system. What do you notice in or around your body? Are there associated thoughts, images, memories, sensations, or impulses that might be a signal from a part of you that needs some care? How do you feel toward this part of you as you notice it?
Create rituals or customs of your own to support yourself. It is okay to pare back on the events you attend or to do something different altogether.
What might your parts want to do with you? Is there an activity that would particularly comfort or support a part of you during this time?
What are the things you most treasure? Let this be your guide as you build your own rituals and customs—for your Self or your parts.
Seek connection with those you resonate with—this might include your family of choice as friends or even your pets.
Connect with smaller day-to-day rituals and celebrations to ease the pressure that may build around larger obligations and events.
The compassion of your authentic Self will allow you to approach—and get to know—those parts of you that need to be seen and heard. Allow your Self to lead you through this time as you listen inside and mindfully create something new for yourself. Open space for new possibilities. The qualities of the Self that include creativity, compassion, and courage can be your guide. Let these practices around tor-mentors be a starting point for creating a different experience of the holiday season.
Do you want help transforming your tor-mentors during the holidays? A therapist at IFS Telehealth Collective can help you find and connect with those parts that need to be seen, heard, and ultimately healed by you. Contact our Client Care Coordinator or call 503-447-3244 if you live in California, Florida, Massachusetts, Michigan, New York, or Oregon to be matched with a well trained IFS therapist.
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*Alicia Larsen Dabney is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist #119864, Associate Professional Clinical Counselor #8016, Supervised by Marcella Cox LMFT #87274, Internal Family Systems Level 3 Trained, Registered Provisional Art Therapist #20-261
