Who Are You Protecting? Exploring Anger with IFS
Anger is a complex and often poorly understood emotion. This powerful force can be overwhelming, destructive, and frequently alarming. For many, anger feels illicit, turning us into someone we don't recognize and taking over our bodies with uncomfortable sensations. But what if we've been looking at anger all wrong? What if, instead of being an enemy, anger is actually a protector, desperately trying to shield us from threats - actual and perceived?
While it’s true that chronic anger even at lower levels can be corrosive to the heart and other parts of the body, learning to discern how anger can be an important signal is something most people are never taught. Looking at anger through the lens of Internal Family Systems ℠ (IFS), can uncover the hidden purpose it serves and the surprising healing potential it contains. By exploring the deeper dimensions of anger we can gain a new perspective on this often-maligned emotion, and provide practical tools for working with it in a more constructive way.
Anger - Held by Protectors…and Exiles?
In the IFS framework, anger is often seen as a reactive state that arises to protect more vulnerable parts of ourselves. When we experience anger, it's typically because a part of us feels threatened, disrespected, or invalidated. Even if the response feels disproportionate, the perceived experience is very real to the part that's reacting.
Consider these scenarios:
A colleague takes credit for your work in a meeting. You feel a surge of anger rising within you.
Your partner forgets an important date. You find yourself lashing out with harsh words.
You make a mistake at work and immediately berate yourself, feeling angry at your perceived incompetence.
In each of these situations, anger isn't the root issue. It's a protective response to a deeper, more vulnerable feeling.
What’s important to remember, however, is that parts are not their roles, and that parts are not their emotions or beliefs either. Instead they are more like multi-dimensional sub-personalities capable of wanting, feeling, believing any number of things. That means that
There could be different parts with different kinds of anger – think of a grumpy day-to-day manager vs. a critical manager vs. a rageful firefighter that comes to life when threat levels are high. It’s also entirely possible that exiled parts could feel angry about being neglected or abused, for example.
How will you know who’s angry inside of you? Working with a skilled IFS therapist will help you listen with curiosity and find out.
Unmasking the Protector: What's Behind Your Anger?
To truly understand what your anger is protecting, we need to look beneath the surface. Here are some common underlying experiences that anger often shields:
1. Fear and Insecurity
Anger frequently masks fear. When we feel threatened or insecure, anger can provide a sense of strength and control. It's often easier to feel angry than to acknowledge that we're afraid.
For example, in the scenario where a colleague takes credit for your work, anger might be protecting a part that fears being overlooked or undervalued – perhaps because of past experiences. The anger might be saying, "Never again will I let someone make me invisible," when the underlying fear is, "Why am I not good enough to be recognized?"
While an angry reaction might temporarily alleviate the fear, it often creates new problems and doesn’t address the core insecurity.
2. Hurt and Pain
Emotional pain is another common trigger for anger. When we've been hurt, anger can serve as a protective barrier attempting to prevent further harm.
In the case of your partner forgetting an important date, your anger might be shielding a part that feels hurt and unloved. The anger says, "How dare you forget!" when the underlying hurt is saying, "Am I not important to you?"
This protective anger might lead to lashing out, giving the silent treatment or other behaviors that push your partner away. While these actions might move you out of the immediate hurt, they can damage the relationship and don't address the core need for love and recognition.
3. Shame and Self-Judgment
Sometimes, our anger is directed inward. This often occurs when we're protecting ourselves from more intense feelings of shame or harsh self-judgment.
When you berate yourself for making a mistake at work, that often comes from a shaming inner critic who says, "You should have known better!" In IFS, we see shame relationally. On the inside, there’s the part doing the shaming and the part (or parts) being shamed. At the same time, there’s often an angry defender inside trying to shut down the critical shamer. This kind of polarized fight leaves you exhausted, and the parts holding the shame are whispering, "I’m bad and competent."
As Brené Brown writes, shame "is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging." The experience of shame and self-judgment is like throwing salt into an open wound. It’s no wonder that our anger steps in to protect, defend, and distract us from it.
This self-directed anger frequently is an attempt to prevent others from having the opportunity to shame us. Kind of like a mis-guided “shame shield”. This might manifest as negative self-talk, self-sabotaging behaviors, or even physical self-harm. While these actions might temporarily distract from the shame, all too often they reinforce negative beliefs and block the opportunity for healing Self-compassion.
Working with Anger through IFS - Unblending
In IFS, we don't try to eliminate or suppress anger. Instead, we seek to understand it from our Self-energy, to appreciate its protective role, and ultimately, to help it find new, less disruptive ways to fulfill its purpose.
For many people, working internally with their anger will only feel possible with the help of a skilled IFS therapist. But it’s possible to bring some of those skills to your life on your own, too. You can begin by simply reminding yourself that the anger you're experiencing is coming from a part of you, not your entire being. This will begin to help you unblend from it and create some distance. Unblending allows you to begin relating to the part that feels anger rather than being consumed by it.
Connect to some Self-energy inside and approach a part feeling anger with curiosity and genuine interest. Ask questions like:
- "What are you angry about?"
- "What are you trying to protect me from?"
- “How are you trying to help me (or another part)?”
Allow the angry part to express itself until its positive intention is more fully understood and appreciated. Often, simply being heard and validated can reduce the intensity of the anger.
Next, gently explore what's beneath the anger. What fears, hurts, or other vulnerable feelings is it protecting? This often requires patience and compassion, as these exiles may have been hidden for a long time. Recognize and appreciate the positive intention of the angry part. Thank it for trying to protect you, even if its methods have created difficulty.
Once the underlying vulnerability is addressed from Self, you can work with the angry protector part to find a new, more preferred role. This might involve setting healthy boundaries, expressing needs more clearly, or developing new coping strategies, or simply relaxing. Parts often know exactly what they would rather be doing once the threat level or vulnerability has lessened.
Anger as a Signpost
Understanding anger as originating in a protective mechanism doesn't mean allowing it free rein or excusing harmful behavior. Instead, it's about approaching your anger with curiosity and compassion, recognizing that it's trying to help you in its own way.
As you practice this approach, you may find that your relationship with anger transforms. Rather than an enemy to be suppressed or an uncontrollable force, it becomes a signpost, pointing you toward the parts of yourself that need attention, compassion, and healing.
Remember, the goal isn't to eliminate anger – it's a normal, and necessary human emotion. The goal is to understand it, to let it guide you to deeper self-awareness, and ultimately, to find more effective ways of protecting and expressing yourself.
Practical Applications
Here are some practical ways to apply this IFS perspective on anger in your daily life:
1. Anger Journaling: When you feel angry, take a moment to write about it. Describe the situation, the intensity of your anger, and then explore what vulnerable feelings might be underneath.
2. Mindful Anger Observation: Practice observing your anger as it arises. Notice where you feel it in your body, what thoughts accompany it, and see if you can identify what part of you the anger is coming from.
3. Self-Check-Ins: Regularly check in with yourself, especially in situations that typically trigger anger. Ask yourself, "What am I really feeling right now? What part of me needs attention?"
Conclusion: Anger as a Storyteller
Your anger has a story to tell and a purpose to serve. By listening to it with openness and compassion, you open the door to healing and growth. What story might your anger be trying to tell you today?
Remember, working with anger, especially if it's connected to trauma or long-standing patterns, can be challenging. While the IFS approach offers powerful tools for self-understanding, it's often helpful to work with a skilled IFS therapist who can guide you through this process safely and effectively.
As you embark on this journey of understanding and transforming your relationship with anger, be patient with yourself. Healing takes time, but with persistence and compassion, you can create a new, more harmonious relationship with all parts of yourself – including those that express themselves through anger.
A therapist at the IFS Telehealth Collective can help you find and connect with the parts that need to be seen, heard, and ultimately healed. If you live in California, Florida, Massachusetts, Michigan, New York, or Oregon, please contact our Client Care Coordinator or call 503-447-3244.
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