Bringing All Your Parts to the Table on Valentine’s Day
Break out the pink sweaters and conversation hearts, because believe it or not, it’s already Valentine’s Day. Although it originated as a Christian feast day to honor the martyr Saint Valentine, today we know it mostly as a frenzied cultural celebration of romance and love. But whether you see it as an annoying commercial holiday, meant to bolster the profits of your favorite greeting card company, or a real opportunity to earnestly honor the ones you love, the truth is that no matter what, Valentine’s Day can be hard to ignore. Love is in the air, and in the aisles. Stores are stocked with an array of chocolates, red roses, and teddy bears. It seems like every doctor’s office and corner market is decked out in an extravaganza of hearts. And if you happen to be in an unhappy relationship, unhappily single, or even heartbroken around this time, you might end up feeling very alone.
Although much has been made in pop culture about honoring the single and brokenhearted on Valentine’s Day, as well as celebrating friendships instead of romantic relationships, it doesn’t make this time of year any easier when you’re going through it.
We all have parts, and those parts can become activated in our most important relationships. What’s more, when we’re unable to un-blend from our parts’ reactivity and occupy Self-energy, it can make healthy communication in a partnership difficult. Don’t worry, we’ve got you. This month the IFS Telehealth Collective is launching our IFS couples therapy services to support your relationships–all of your relationships. The most important connections in our lives can be anything from romantic partnerships of all kinds, to family relationships and friendships–couples therapy need not be limited to romantic coupledom.
However you find yourself feeling about Valentine’s Day this year, Internal Family Systems can help you welcome all your parts to the table. Working with IFS can give you tools to regulate during conflict, communicate better, and foster joyful, healthy, fulfilling relationships in every realm of life. This includes your most important and enduring relationship–your relationship with yourself.
Internal Family Systems Therapy for Couples
Does your relationship need a tune-up? Exploring IFS as a couple can create a shared language to help you better understand the dynamics within your relationship, and can help you approach areas of difficulty from a Self-led place. Maybe you’re stuck in the same old, embattled, protective patterns, and are wondering if anything can help you change the dynamic. Or maybe you simply feel misunderstood. IFS can help you better understand yourself and regulate your emotions, which can dramatically improve your ability to communicate your feelings to your partner in a way they can hear. Our drive to connect is our deepest instinct, and because this is an incredibly natural need, ruptures in important relationships can feel like a crisis. Your IFS therapist is there to help. The IFS Telehealth Collective is now offering remote couples therapy. If you’re interested in exploring therapy as a couple, get in touch with us today.
Remember, couples therapy does not need to be limited to romantic relationships. Our lives are populated by many diverse types of relationships – parent-child relationships, sibling relationships, and friendships can all be incredibly important. What’s more, many of the issues that present in romantic relationships can come up in these relationships, too. Difficult patterns can become entrenched, and clear communication can prove more and more difficult. Paying attention to the many parts that arise and react in these patterns can help shift and soften difficult dynamics. If dyadic therapy with a non-romantic loved one sounds like it would be helpful for you, don’t hesitate to reach out to one of our trained IFS therapists to explore further.
Self-reflection: A Dating Inventory for your Parts
If you’re looking to do some personal exploration and reflection this Valentine’s Day, you can use our free worksheet to take a Parts Dating Inventory.
You might like to turn this exercise into a ritual of Self-connection for Valentine’s Day. Make sure you have some time to yourself, and find some quiet space to sit and relax. Maybe light a candle, or play some comforting music. Pour yourself a mug of tea or coffee. It might even help to take a warm bath. Take a few deep breaths, maybe close your eyes if that feels comfortable, and focus inside. What are you feeling in your body? Are any of these feelings familiar to you? Body sensations and feelings can be trailheads for different parts of you. Notice what comes up, and if any parts make themselves known. If you choose to focus on a specific part, spend some time noticing what it looks like, feels like, or sounds like. Stay curious and notice however it presents - if it had a color, what would it be? If this part were a song or a sound, what would that be?
Once you feel connected to the part, ask its permission to go deeper. Let it know you’d like to ask some questions about your relationships and dating life. If you notice any hesitancy, you can be curious about that. If the part consents, invite it to share about: What type of person does this part tend to be most attracted to? Why? What is it drawn to in the realm of dating and relationships?
Is there anything this part wants to tell you about your dating life? What is one thing it needs from you, as you date and get close to others? Continue to stay with this kind of gentle inquiry until you sense the part has told you everything it needs to for now. Once the part feels satisfied, reassure it that you will continue to check in with it in the future. You might want to set a reminder on your phone, or plan to check back in at a particular time. Thank this part for everything it has shared with you.
Because it’s natural and useful for people to have multiple parts, you might be aware that several different trailheads showed up rather quickly when you began this exercise. This makes sense, especially for important and complex issues like relational health. To help make room for all these different “voices”, you can picture a big conference table with seats for all who want to weigh in on the topic. Invite any parts that would like to join the conversation and let them choose a seat at the table. Who has something to say about your dating life? What kind of person is each part most attracted to? What would they most like you to know about your dating life? What do they need you to do in order to keep them feeling secure? If a specific part is particularly loud, consider asking the others to leave the room for a bit so you can be more present with it and ask it some questions to get clearer about what’s going on.
If it feels too hard to connect with different parts on your own from a calm, curious, or compassionate place, it can be useful to do this exercise with a trained IFS therapist. Remember that if you ever feel overwhelmed or too blended with a part, you can take a step back, take some deep breaths (box breathing can be useful), and come back to the exercise when you’re feeling more regulated and grounded in Self-energy.
Conclusion: A Valentine For Every Part
Whether you’re jazzed about Valentine’s Day with your beau, or dreading the season for any reason, IFS can help you get closer to the ones you love, including yourself. By using Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to more intimately know, understand, and tend parts of yourself, you can make an investment in the health of your future relationships. This Valentine’s Day, consider investing in yourself and your relationships by exploring IFS with a trained therapist, or exploring IFS principles on your own. Give the important relationships in your life the care and attention they deserve, and give all your parts a chance to be heard. Both you and your loved ones will be grateful you did.
Would you like to explore the dynamics of your relationship through the lens of IFS? A therapist at IFS Telehealth Collective can help you and your partner or loved one find and connect with the parts that need to be seen, heard, and ultimately healed. If you live in California, Florida, Massachusetts, Michigan, New York, or Oregon, please contact our Client Care Coordinator or call 503-447-3244.
Join our Interest List if your state is not listed and we’ll notify you as soon as we begin seeing clients in your area. In the meantime, subscribe to our newsletter and receive a free Parts Dating Inventory download. Don't forget to follow us on social media: Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn.
