Gender in the Therapeutic Relationship
By Stephen Toriello, ACSW and Clinician at the IFS Telehealth Collective
Finding a Therapist, Considering Gender
Finding a good fit in a therapist can be hard. Discerning your own personal preferences is an important part of the process. Many people find that they have a strong sense of what they are looking for, particularly in regard to various aspects of a therapist’s identity. This is a good thing to pay attention to, because research indicates that matching your preferences in a therapist generally leads to better outcomes. One of the strongest areas of client preference tends to be gender. Many women prefer female therapists and many non-binary or gender nonconforming individuals prefer NB / GNC therapists (or cis-female therapists as a second choice). In contrast, a larger proportion of men either have no preference or prefer female therapists. For what it’s worth, I’d like to share some reflections on gender in the therapeutic relationship and how the cultural forces of patriarchy and toxic masculinity can impact non-male clients’ experiences with male therapists.
If you have a strong preference for working with a therapist of a particular gender, it is important to honor that instinct and really consider those feelings. This is a very personal exploration, and only you can determine which therapist is the right fit for you. Nonetheless, you may find yourself considering seeing a therapist who does not match your initial sense of what you’re looking for. There are many valid reasons why you may have strong preferences, and there are also good reasons to consider stepping out of your comfort zone. This blog post may be helpful for those of you who are thinking of working with a male therapist, but might have some hesitations; it is geared toward those who are on the fence about this. The purpose is not to tip you in one direction or the other, but simply to provide some food for thought.
Power and Privilege, Patriarchy and Toxic Masculinity
There is an inherent power differential in the therapeutic relationship. Even though many therapists try to eschew the role of an “authority,” it is impossible to abandon the position of power entirely. The power differential of the therapeutic relationship is increased when the therapist inhabits an identity that society elevates with extra power and privilege. For example, straight, white, able-bodied, neurotypical cis-men have traditionally held the most wealth, leadership positions, educational degrees, etc…
Patriarchy and toxic masculinity are terms that describe our cultural association between masculinity and harmful ways of gaining and maintaining power and dominance. It is vital for male therapists to be aware of how they and their clients have been impacted by these cultural forces. Toxic masculinity has been harmful to all of us – including men. Indeed, many people who come to therapy have been hurt by men in their life. I propose that this is the primary reason why people of all genders might be less inclined towards male therapists. It’s often difficult for our nervous systems and the protective parts of us to feel completely comfortable around men. Men are not the first people we turn to for emotional support.
The Safety Zone and the Comfort Zone
Because of the inherent power that all therapists wield, we are trained to balance this by creating safety in the therapeutic relationship to the best of our ability. There are certain clear transgressions – such as sexual intimacy or harassment – that would constitute an abuse of power, and are never OK. But safety – or the lack thereof – can also be more subtle. Our nervous systems subconsciously detect cues of safety or danger, which can be as subtle as the rhythm and tone of someone’s voice. In IFS terms, protective parts of us are constantly working in the background of our everyday consciousness, ready to alert us to a threat. We have all experienced varying degrees of trauma and relational wounding, which impacts the sensitivity of these threat detection systems. Many women, transgender, and non-binary folks may understandably be triggered by cues of danger when they are around hetero cis-gendered men. It is very important to feel safe with your therapist and to trust the wisdom of your system when it comes to this.
This alarm system can also become overactive, creating a pervasive sense of danger that leads some people to avoid too much, which can keep them from experiencing life to the fullest extent. When someone has been impacted by trauma, it can be difficult for them to tell whether or not they are truly unsafe, or just uncomfortable; the line between the “safety zone” and the “comfort zone” can get blurry. Greater freedom and a fuller experience of life can often be found by leaning into the edge of discomfort, helping the hard working protective parts of us take a break and let down their guards, and healing the parts of us that have been hurt. It is possible that for some people, having a male therapist can present an opportunity to lean into the edge of their comfort zone, and being with a male therapist who is emotionally safe and attuned could potentially be a boost for the healing of past experiences with men. In my personal experience as a therapist, I have had at least one female client express this to me - it turned out to be a surprise to both of us that me being male was an added therapeutic benefit for her.
Self in the Lead
In IFS terminology, the main thing to look for in a male therapist is whether or not they are Self-led. You can think of Self as the natural open-mindedness, curiosity, and humility that is present when we open up space inside ourselves and un-blend from narrow perspectives and agendas. The energy of Self is also authentically compassionate and has the capacity to be well-attuned and connected to others. In short, Self energy is what makes an effective therapist who conveys a sense of warmth and safety. Being Self-led is important for any therapist, but it becomes even more critical in the types of therapeutic relationships we are exploring here, where clients may be coming in with a greater degree of distrust or discomfort.
When a therapist is Self-led, he will be willing to talk openly about your concerns and will welcome the parts of you that are hesitant about working with a male therapist. In addition, he will not force you into vulnerable territory, and therapy will be paced according to the needs of your system. Your protective parts are there for a reason and if your therapist is disregarding these instincts of yours, this is a sign that he is not a good fit.
“The Male Perspective”
People often feel that it is important to have a therapist who can relate to their life experiences. This can be very helpful sometimes, but it is not always a requirement, especially in IFS therapy, where the emphasis is on whether or not the client’s Self is present and understanding what is being shared by their own internal system. The therapist’s Self should be in the room too, but they are mostly helping the client access their own Self-energy, which does most of the healing for their own system. This is possible regardless of the gender identities of the therapist and client, as long as the client feels safe enough.
On the flipside, sometimes folks might think that a male therapist might be helpful for them because they will understand “the male perspective.” For example, someone might seek out a male therapist to help them solve the mystery of why their boyfriend is so emotionally unavailable. There are common experiences among men, and it’s possible a male therapist might have some insight into another man’s behavior. This could be a benefit in some situations, just as having the perspective of a therapist of any other gender could be a benefit in some situations. Nonetheless, there is no such a thing as the singular perspective of any gender, or any identity for that matter.
Deconstructing Gender
To expand on this further, we must consider gender fluidity. We are doing ourselves a disservice when we assume that there is a bright line between “male” and “female.” The gender fluid community has taught us that there is infinite variety and diversity in the human population. However, because of societal expectations, many people have exiled parts of themselves that are considered typical of the “opposite” sex. In IFS therapy, our mantra is that all parts are welcome and there are no bad parts of us. A skilled therapist welcomes the complexity and diversity that we find inside ourselves. Because of this, therapy is often a place where the rigid gender roles that we’re used to experiencing may not be so clear cut. Therapy provides an opportunity for burdens around gender to be released, finding greater freedom to be ourselves, and to allow others to be themselves.
In my field of social work, the workforce is approximately 90% female-identified. In other mental health fields, the demographics are similar. Rigid social roles have determined that women are typically the caregivers in our culture. For some people, working with a male therapist may require a perspective shift or an edging out of their comfort zone. This may sometimes be helpful for healing the impacts of patriarchy and toxic masculinity. On the other hand, you may have a clear sense that your system would feel safer with a therapist who is not male. Finding a good fit in a therapist is a complex process that involves taking into account many factors, including gender. While safety is a requirement, comfort can be stretched.
Are you interested in getting to know your parts? A therapist at IFS Telehealth Collective can help you find and connect with those parts that need to be seen, heard, and ultimately healed by you. If you live in California, Florida, Massachusetts, Michigan, New York, or Oregon, please contact our Client Care Coordinator or call 503-447-3244.
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